Being a Single Mom

I had never planned to be a single mom but that is what I had become.  When my daughter turned 14 months old,  I was looking at divorce.  Our relationship was at a difficult place when I gave birth to our daughter and after months of counseling, my husband came home and told me we should get a divorce. He told me he would live with us until the house sold and we would then go through the process of divorce.  That only lasted two days,  it was too difficult with me crying and begging for us to not divorce, so he chose to move to a friends home.  I told him if he left I would never take him back.

Here I was living in a home that I didn't feel safe at, with all the responsibilities, to be both mom and dad, provider, spiritual leader, teacher and so much more.  My mom and dad helped me to find a lawyer, placed the house up for sale and showed their support in all the decisions I was making. By July, I was divorced and in October, I was in a new home.

I totally believe that all things through God are possible.  Sometimes we may not see what He is doing in our lives, but if we take time to be silent, to look and listen, God can reveal to us the works He does in our lives.  I'm not saying it's always easy but, God always provides and allows us to have free will.

God gave me parents that helped me through a really difficult time.  When I returned to work, six weeks after having my daughter, my mom took care of her so I wouldn't have to worry about child care.  She babysat V until she went to Kindergarten.  When my mom went grocery shopping and they had buy one get one free, she would give me the extra item that she had received.  They would buy V clothes and toys when I was not able to.  My dad became a father figure to her, when he had not always been there for me when I was growing up.  We tried to make family life as normal as possible for my daughter as she grew up.

I was working in a stable job that although I had to be there at 5:30 am, I would pick V up by 2:00 pm.  Eventually, I decided to have her go a couple of days in day care so she would be exposed to other children.  It was hard to not have  her full time at my mom's, but I felt it was important for V to have social skills with other children plus, I didn't know if I would have any more children so she really needed that interaction with other kids.

I made decisions that went against how I was brought up.  When V was sick, it was tiring on me because there was not that tag team to switch off who would get up with her this time.  So, I started to have V sleep with me.  Although it helped at the time, when V was older and I remarried, it was a hard habit to break. 

GUILT...it's a nasty word and plays a huge roll when you're a single parent.  Was I right in my decision to never take her dad back? Am I giving her what she needs? Am I giving her too much? I made my life revolve around her, and her alone.  And now that she is 18, I have to adjust to her moving on and how to readjust my world without her in it 24/7.

Remarriage, bringing two families together, changes, challenges, tears all rolled into a decision to bring someone else into the fold.  For the most part, V has adjusted and accepted what roll my husband has played in her life.  Before we married I was so impressed with the relationship he had with his daughter, that I thought he would be the same for my daughter. Instead, he has been there for her but not like a dad.  He never wanted to replace her dad even thought her relationship with her father is not a good one.  I expected more but received less.  But really is that fair to have another person fill the shoes of someone who should be a better person then what they are?

Over all, I feel I've done the best that I could, could have done some things different, but have a wonderful daughter that I'm proud of and has done well in her life.  She has had to live with the consequences of my decisions. But that just gives us another opportunity to see God's work in our lives.